How to Royally Infuriate the Goblin King
by Melda Burke
Summary: There are many ways to skin a cat..er..Goblin King.. (Finally refurbished!)


How to Royally Infuriate the Goblin King (300 Hundred Different Ways)

I own nothing!

1. Mention cake.

2. Throw aforementioned cake at him. (Don't just stand there, RUN!)

3. Ask him why he's so fond of make-up.

4. Ask him if air freshener works on the Bog.

5. Tell him that his bathroom must be part of the Bog.

6. Make a giant heart-shaped card, write a poem in it about how much you adore him, and sign it with the name of one of his male goblins.

7. When he confronts you about it, act surprised and say 'So that's why you like make-up so much!'

8. Play dress-up with his goblins.

9. Play dress-up with him while he's asleep.

10. Draw a mustache on his face.

11. Tell him that the Spiders from Mars are coming and he must change into his alterego Ziggy Stardust and save you from a horrible demise.

12. Laugh when he checks for the Spiders from Mars.

13. Call him , but don't tell him why.

14. Ask him if he would like to go to Suffragette City with you.

15. Take him someplace random, then take him back to the castle.

16. When he fails to thank you, make him.

17. Stand in front of the door until he says 'Wham bam, thank you ma'am!'.

18. Steal his boots and gloves.

19. Deny everything.

20. List all the reasons why he would make a lovely bug.

21. Play Hide-The-Royal-Septer.

22. 'Forget' where you hid it.

23. Replace it, but put it in the toilet.

him to sing Dance Magic, then whine that he isn't doing it right.

25. Steal his tightest pair of pants, when he demands them back, tell him nof and that they look better on you, anyway.

26. Sing the Barney Song, the Dora Song, etc until he shouts at you.

27. Laugh when he starts to hum the tunes.

28. Pop an enormous amount of popcorn and put it in his throne room for the chickens to peck up.

29. Ask him if he stuffs his pants.

30. Spread a rumor that he stuffs his pants.

31. Make him prove you wrong, but smirk and say you've seen bigger.

32. On a squirrel.

33. Tell him that he sleepwalks and complain that everytime he does, he catches you in the shower.

34. When he denies it, plant fake evidence.

35. Tell him he should replace the worm because he would make a prettier one.

36. Lurk in his bathroom, sans clothing, and when he opens the door, scream and demand that he get out of 'your' bathroom.

37. Tell him you're afraid to go into your room because the Giant Mothwing is waiting to eat you.

38. Make him check under your bed, in your closet, and in your bathroom.

39. Scream when he pulls out a dust bunny.

40. Run up to him while he is trying to intimidate his goblins and hand him a pair of blue bunny slippers.

41. Apologize and explain that they didn't have any in pink. Be prepared to duck when he throws them at you.

42. Force him to listen to disco music. He'll be humming Disco Inferno for a week!

43. Hug him in the middle of an important military speech.

44. Call him your favowit widdle kingy-wingy-cutsey-poo.

45. Buy him a hairbrush.

46. Tell him you're there for him if he ever needs a shoulder to cry on.

47. Tell him that Kermit invited him to tea next Tuesday.

48. Pout when he doesn't go because he miffed your favorite muppet.

49. Ask if he'd rather have Kermit over.

50. Advise him not to serve frogs' legs or pork.

51. Steal a kiss, tell him has bad breath, giggle and run away.

52. Set him up on a date with Ludo.

53. Tell Sir Didymus that Jareth ordered him to guard his sock drawer.

54. Invite the Fireys for a party.

57. Convince them Jareth wants them to teach him how to take off his head.

58. When he's finally learned to lock his door, try to follow him in. Cry when he won't let you in.

59. When he lets you in, sing 'Good Times' until he throws you out.

60. Tell him he needs to lose a few pounds, because the next time he goes to perch on a branch ...craaaaaaack!

61. Ask him if he's ever eaten a mouse as an owl.

62. Even if he says no, fend off 'Mouse Breath' with a toothbrush.

63. Ask ridiculous questions.

64. Pretend to be a damsel in distress and make him be your knight in shining feathers.

65. Ask him if the mightiest king in all the universe would like you to spit shine his boots.

66. Even if he says no, do it anyway.

67. Read all of the fanfiction ever written about him to him.

68. Ask him if he wants you to get the numbers of all the Mary Sues.

69. Even if he refuses, be responsible for the swarm of fangirls the next time he visits the Aboveground.

70. Tell him that wishing upon a star is more reliable.

71. The next time he comes into the room you're in, scream and run around in circles until he walks out.

72. Return his gloves, but as planters for the ivy you've been growing for him.

73. Copy his dance moves.

74. Tickle attack!

75. Make him Facebook with pictures of him at his worst.

76. Stare at him until you need to blink, blink, then resume staring.

77. Cool it with the pranks for a week and watch him sweat in anticipation of your next trick.

78. Steal his underware and cover them in little red hearts, espcially around the crotch.

79. Buy flowers, shove them at him, then snatch them back and coo 'You shouldn't have!'

80. Give him daisies which you know he's allergic to and refuse to leave the room until they are safely on the window sill beside his bed.

81. Ask him if he is feeling okay when he comes to breakfast with puffy eyes and a runny nose the next day.

82. Ask him if he wears two different colored contacts to look cool.

83. Blow a raspberry behind his back and tell everyone in the room that he farted.

84. Ask him if that's a crystal in his pocket or is he just glad to see you.

85. Compare him to male models.

86. Ask him why he has a British accent.

87. Run through the doors of his room and tell him that Willy Wonka has gone psycho and set the Oompa-Loompas on the goblins.

88. Laugh because you can still fool him.

89. Talk to him like he's a baby...in front of his mother!

90. Give him a medal for being 'The Bestest Goblin King Ever'!

91. Speak to him only in rhymes.

92. Convince him you're half-Martian and are doing this to him to prove that your race is more than just disintegrator rays and Marvin the Martian.

93. Parade through the hall outside his room with a broom as a baton. Make a lot of noise because he's trying to nap.

94. Force him to watch all of the Powerpuff series on Boomerang. Say he is Bubbles' male counterpart.

95. Make him watch A Very Potter Musical, watch him pee his pants from laughter.

96. Tell him to stop and sniff the roses...make sure that he gets the one with the bee.

97. Ask him if you can feel his crystal balls.

98. Get a running start, tackle him, and pretend to steal the ball from him. Jump up and down when you reach the other side of the room because you made a 'goal'!

99. Ask him what he imagines his and Hoggle's children would look like.

100. When he finally gets fed up with you and threatens to throw you in the Bog, beg and plead with your best puppy dog eyes. When he relents and forgives you, slap him on the back and tell him he won't be regret it. **Do not** snigger at the 'Kick Me' sign you just snuck onto his back.

100 More Ways To Annoy the Goblin King

Another 100 Ways to make you laugh so hard you squirt milk out your nose.

1. Give the Fireys coffee.

2. Explain why he should bulldoze the Labyrinth and put in a mall.

3. Steal his armor and pretend to be a knight of the round table.

4. Tell him he needs to get a round table.

5. Dress up as him for Halloween.

6. Assemble a goblin choir and teach them to sing...badly.

7. Borrow the Wiseman's hat and put it on Jareth's head while he's asleep. Take multiple pictures and put them on the Facebook account you made for him.

8. When he finds out and gets mad, ask him if he's on his 'man period'.

9. Don't talk to him for a whole day, make him wonder if he upset you.

10. Tell him that his ideal rapper name would be Big Krystal Balz.

11. Refuse to tell him what a rapper is.

12. Next time you see him, run up, hand him a piece of bread and walk away.

13. Splash him with mud, then tell him in a sultry voice that he's a dirty, dirty, Goblin King.

throw a towel his way and order him to get cleaned up.

15. Ask him when he's going to marry you.

16. Begin planning a wedding, make sure to pester him with questions about what color roses he thinks would go with what color dresses.

17. Ignore him when he starts to bang his head against the wall.

18. Tell him that coloring books are all the rage with kinky couples.

19. No matter how much he pleads, do not tell him what a coloring book is.

20. Tell him his mind is too delicate for such matters.

21. Walk past him carrying a coloring book and crayons.

22. Hint that one of the female goblins has a crush on him.

23. Set him on a date with a random goblin, tell him that she's one hot mama.

at his reaction to a female goblin in red high heels and lots and lots of make-up.

25. Wink and wish him a 'good night'.

26. When he comes back covered in red kissy marks ask him how it went. *Wink, Wink*

27. Run, because you know he's going to try to throttle you.

28. Jump out of random places and say 'BOO!'

29. Sing 'Dirrty' by Christina Aguilara every time he comes into a room.

30. Tell him it's his theme song.

31. Tell him that the eye-ball moss needs glasses.

32. Cut his hair while he's sleeping, and when he wakes up insist that you needed all that hair to make a pillow.

33. When he gives chase, say that he shouldn't run with scissors.

34. Hide in his wardrobe and when he goes to pick out his clothes for the day, leap out and ask for directions to Narnia.

35. Inform him that he's more fond of glitter than the average teenage girl.

36. Tell him he's won an Oscar, then get the Helping Hands to give him a round of applause.

37. Afterwards, insist that he shake _all_ of the Helping Hands.

38. Steal his medallion and replace it with a gold clock on a chain.

39. Say that you did it because you thought twelve hours was quite enough.

40. Dress up as a black cat and cross his path. Meow when he frowns at you.

41. Start a food fight with the goblins.

42. Buy him hair gel.

43. Argue with him about something stupid.

44. Win the stupid arguement.

45. Get him a ridiculous present that he doesn't need. Like a penguin music box.

46. Buy him a self-help book entitled 'How To Not Be A Stubborn Ass'.

47. Knit him a sweater that says 'Look Out World, The Goblin King Is Horny!'.

48. Make him wear it.

49. Knit him a matching scarf that proclaims; 'Jareth's Libido Is On The Rampage!'

50. Point at his feet and tell him that he forgot to tie his shoes.

51. Laugh when he looks down and you flick his nose.

52. During dinner, tell him he dropped something on his shirt. When he looks down, flick him in the nose. (Finish your dinner quickly, then run to your room and lock the door because he'll be after you!)

53. Switch his shampoo with hair dye (make sure it's blue!).

54. When he comes screaming at you, pretend you don't see what's different.

55. Make him think that he's delusional about it.

56. Check him into a psych ward.

57. Next time you see him, ask him if he's better. If he doesn't answer, make a tutting noise and reach for the phone.

58. Do this until he throws your cell phone in the Bog.

59. Ask him if he's ever asked the Helping Hands to do *other* helpful things with their hands...

60. Say it again when he ignores you. Only LOUDER!

61. Tell him he needs dance lessons.

62. Admit you were kidding, then pester him for hours to make him give *you* dance lessons.

63. Make him teach you the Mambo.

64. Ask him if he'd be willing to join a goblin conga line.

the goblins into a conga line.

66. Teach a couple of his goblins to play reggae and convince them he wants to hear Bob Marley inspired music every waking hour of the day.

67. When he finally can't take it anymore and searches you out, be sure to smile cutely, giggle and pinch his cheeks. Then say that he's adorable when he's angry.

68. Whenever he talks to you, stare him, nod, then ask for him to repeat everything he just said.

69. Next time he's in the same room, stare hard and long at the ceiling, DO NOT LOOK AWAY FROM IT OR THE PRANK WILL BE RUINED!

70. When he glances up to see what you're staring at, snicker and leave the room.

71. When he curses you, scold him for using such naughty-waughty words.

72. Come up to him with a huge magnifying glass and look at him through it for a few minutes.

73. Give no explanation as to why you have the magnifying glass or why you just examined him with it.

74. At breakfast, announce you've solved The Case of the Stolen Strudel.

75. Accuse Jareth of doing it, then go into a detailed and elaborate explaination of how and why.

76. When he argues that there isn't even any strudel in the castle, roll your eyes and say 'Duh! That's cuz you stole it all!'

77. Call him Pickles every single time you see him.

78. When he gets fed up and asks why, tell him Pickles got quite well with nuts..which you *think* he has..(at this point let your eyes travel slowly downward, but smile just before they reach the alleged AREA and look away).

79. Ask him if his cousin is the Orc King.

80. Steal all his clothes, then wear them yourself.

81. When he yells tell him you are exploring cross-dressing and that there is nothing wrong with that.

82. Sniff him.

83. Don't tell him rather he smells nice or not. Just sniff him.

84. Sniff his father.

85. Sniff his mother.

86. Do NOT sniff his Bog.

87. He'll get fed up with all the sniffing eventually, so begin the licking!

88. Remember that it is also essential NOT to lick any part of the Bog. Doing so would be extremely stupid and would give one horribly bad breath for the rest of one's life. Which would be a real turn off for any potential dates, I'm afraid.

89. Steal all of his underwear and replace them with yours.

90. Pretend to be horrified when he finds out and snatch all of yours back, grumbling all the while you trudge back to your room about incompetant laundry goblins.

91. Lock your door behind you, because he will only realise that you haven't returned *his* underwear yet after you've gone back to your room.

92. Rufuse to return his undergarments.

93. Negotiate with him for a ransom.

94. Make the ransom something very embarassing, but entirely necessary if he wants his underwear to remain unmolested by certain parties...Cough *goblin females* Cough...

95. Casually suggest afterwards that he could have just magicked up a whole new drawer full of them.

96. Be prepared to hide for a long time in his room. It will be the only place that he won't look for you. Make sure to apply either way #28 or way #34 to this, but only if you have a clear escape route!

97. Chain him to a chair and make him listen to you read an extremely boring book that explains how magic is not real and only exists within the human imagination.

98. Try to convince him that you would not prank him if he were not a figment of your insanity.

99. Make him try to prove he is real.

100. Tell him the only way that you would think he was real was if he were to kiss you and that- (you are suddenly cut off by handsome Goblin King lips).

Even MORE Ways to Annoy the Goblin King

1. Confuse him with 'that's what she said' jokes.

2. Give him a needle.

3. When he asks you why, tell him it's there to pop his overblown ego.

4. Invite him to a tea party.

5. Make him share his seat with the stuffed mouse.

6. Make him drink pretend tea.

7. Ask him if he would like one lump or two, then corresponding with his answer hit him on the head.

8. Take him swimming with you.

9. You can't swim, so force him to be your floatie.

10. Explain the advantages of the 'Buddy System'

11. Cuddle up to him and say 'You're my buddy, aren't you?'

12. When he says yes, slap him and shout that he only said that because he wants to get in your pants.

13. Attempt to doggie paddle away. Fail miserably and commence drowning.

14. When he saves you (and believe me, he will) wrap your arms around his neck (make to choke him within an inch of his life) and say dramatically 'You're my hero!'

15. Plant sloppy, wet kisses all over his cheeks.

16. Catch him one morning before he's magicked his morning stubble away and run up to him grinning. Say 'Good morning, Fuzzy!'

17. Stick with his new nickname. He'll be tired of Pickles by that time anyway.

18. While he's sleeping (when will he ever learn that's not a good idea around you?) do his hair up in bows.

not just any bows, make them pink and sparkly!

20. He'll be mad as all hell at you, so be ready to defend yourself with this excuse 'But I thought you *liked* glitter!'

21. Then explain to him your Master Plan.

22. Your Master Plan is to turn him against pink so that all of the pink in the kingdom (and eventually the world) will be DESTROYED! MUHAHAHAHAH!

23. Inform him that the squirrels will be next.

24. When he's on his way to the bathroom, loop your arm through his and sing Skip to my Lou.

25. Then next time you see him in his extremely tight pants, burst into a rendition of 'Great Balls of Fire!'

26. Tell him it's because you know those things have to be uncomfortable and you're musically expressing your appreciation for his beauty martyrdom

27. Play checkers, chess, etc. with him.

28. Accuse him of cheating.

29. Run off and hide for a short period of time, just to make him look for you.

30. March by him and tell him that you're off to slay the vicious beast.

31. When you are done with your slaying and smiting and smoting, go back to him.

32. Tell him that he didn't come with you because the pink has sapped his manly tights of their bulging manliness.

33. Casually suggest that he should wage war on pink for revenge.

34. Force him to play Dungeons and Dragons with you...with REAL dungeons and Dragons.

D&D, then do a very bad victory dance with lots of booty shakin' and dropin' it like it's hot.

he storms off, call him a sore loser.

37. For days afterward, break into the victory dance at random times...like at an important meeting.

38. Inspire his councilors to begin breakdancing in the meeting hall.

39. Teach the goblins how to Dougie.

40. Have Glee moments in abudence.

41. Beg and plead with him to make it snow in the Underground.

42. When he obliges just to stop the whining, pelt him with snowballs at odd times.

43. Like in the shower.

at breakfast.

45. Or in the hallway.

46. Or during a haircut.

47. Keep this up until he retaliates. Then, my friend, it would be very wise to run.

48. Buy him a pair of socks for his birthday.

49. Keep one for yourself and give him the other.

50. Announce that he is now your official 'sock buddy' and is therefore committed to you for life.

51. Ask him why he hates cake.

52. Put cake on his pillow.

53. When he yells at you for it afterward, explain that you were trying to make him face his fears.

54. Since he didn't like the cake, put sugar on his pillow. Tell him that you were only giving him sweet dreams.

55. Hug him.

56. Constantly.

57. Spam him on Facebook repeatedly.

58. Send him game requests every hour, on the hour.

59. Like, then unlike his status. Then like it again, then unlike it again...do this over and over until he screams in frustration.

60. Play Assassin with him and his goblins.

61. Mess with his mind by coming up to him, tapping his shoulder and informing him that he is now dead.

62. Discuss the theory of time paradox and Mobius strips with him.

63. Warn him that science may disperse his magicky paticles.

64. Ask him if his magic comes from the touch of the noodly appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who was drunk at the time of his creation.

65. Steal his clothing and replace them with emo-esque styles.

66. When you see him next and he begins to yell at you, tell him he'd be great at screamo.

67. While he's asleep dress him in drag.

68. That means make-up included!

69. Make all of it water-proof so that he can't watch it off!

70. Order the dress without a zipper. Remember, he loves tight things. :)

71. When he wakes up, blame everything on the purple kangaroo.

72. Then tell him that Ru Paul would be proud and that he's definitely the King of Queens...Drag Queens, that is.

73. Take him to see CATS.

74. Afterwards walk out and say loudly so that as many people as possible can hear that he would make a sexy Rum Tum Tugger.

75. Buy him an ice cream cone, then throw it to the ground and stomp it into the ground because a gnat landed on it.

76. Get him another one, but in a flavor that he despises.

77. Buy a joke book and read every single one to him.

78. When he screams, pretend to start crying and run off.

79. Make him find you.

80. When he finds you, bawl and sob all over his shirt. Make sure to ruin it completely.

81. Don't let him change until the gunk has dried.

82. Invite Yakko, Wakko, and Dot over for lunch.

83. Tell him to make sure that he calls Dot 'Dottie'.

84. Laugh as Dot chases him furiously with a giant cartoon Acme mallet.

85. While he is staring broodily out over the Bog, sneak up behind him and try to shove him in.

86. Stand outside his window and sing and play the harp extremely badly.

87. When he throws open the window to tell you to shut the hell up, put your hands on your hips and say 'Hey, you're not Juliette!'

88. Call him a Shakespearian imposter.

89. Challange him to a dual, then end up sissy fighting while saying 'A hit, a hit, what say you?'

90. Storm off and leave him speechless.

91. Force him to dance to Sexy and I know it because that's your jam.

92. Inform him that apples are superior to peaches because Shinigamis love apples.

93. He'll try to convince you that that is a fallacy in logic because manga is not real. Counter with the argument that there is a manga in his canon.

94. Sneak into his bedroom at night with a Jeff the Killer mask.

95. When he wakes up, tell him to 'Go to Sleep' in the creepiest voice you can.

96. Introduce him to the real Jeff the Killer.

97. Force him to try to reconcile the deadly differences between Jeff the Killer and his estranged girlfriend, Jane.

98. Make him read every single Creepypasta, even the terrible ones.

99. Because even a royal Goblin King can be scared, buy him the fluffiest, purple (it's the color of royalty!) giant teddy that exists. Make sure to use up the entire royal budget on this monstrosity.

100. His patience is finally gone and he will kick you out on your butt. However, you must get up, brush off your bottom and go have a spot of tea with the caterpiller's missus. Smirk to yourself as you meander through the Labyrinth because you know you'll be back.

How else will he convince Snork the goblin that the royal boots are not hats?


End file.
